


How to keep your kitchen organ-ised

by HelgaHeason



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Challenge Response, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:40:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21779986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelgaHeason/pseuds/HelgaHeason
Summary: How Hannibal keeps his kitchen organ-ised.Or:The 39 rules Hannibal has to obey within his and Will’s house.
Relationships: Will Graham/Hannibal Lecter
Comments: 3
Kudos: 63





	How to keep your kitchen organ-ised

**Author's Note:**

> This is a submission for a challenge made by one of my friends.  
> The only limitations were that they’d put a taboo on the words ‘Hannibal’, ‘Will’, ‘murder / husband(s)’, ‘cannibal(s)(ism)’ and ‘serial killer(s)’.
> 
> And yes, Will is ‘the FBI agent who lives with you’.

Rule 1:  
Lie. Always lie. 

Rule 2:  
Do not respond to queries of vampirism with “no, actually, I’m a ghoul, I prefer the flesh over the blood.”.

Rule 3:  
Puns are the best. Always make puns. The shittier, the better. _~~(If it annoys Chilton, +10 points)~~_

**_They didn’t know it when they turned me loose_ **

Rule 4:  
Always make the displays exaggerated and over-the-top. The first step to any new art exhibition is to have fun and be yourself, after all.

Rule 5:  
Do not store the hearts next to the brains, because the FBI agent that lives with you once got the two mixed up, you cooked a brain and you all nearly got Kuru.

Rule 6:  
Do not attempt to kill the boss of the FBI agent who lives with you, or that will result in the termination of your rather precarious… _Friendship??_

**_I shot the sheriff and I slipped the noose_ **

Rule 7:  
Recycling is important. Companies pay good money for real hair, lifelike eyes, and Halloween accessories (aka creepy skull props for creepy vampire people). Make sure to coat them with something so they do not look as realistic.

Rule 8:  
Do not inform the FBI agent who lives with you that you eat people. This will go horrendously wrong and you will end up in an asylum.

Rule 9:  
Do not continuously attempt to fuck up the FBI agent who lives with you in the hopes of seeing his Becoming, because he will end up trying to kill you instead.

**_The law ain’t never been a friend of mine_ **

Rule 10:  
Do not loudly announce to the FBI agent that lives with you that you are the Chesapeake Ripper.

Rule 11:  
Make sure you say **“what** do you want for dinner”, not **“who”**.

Rule 12:  
Do not make snide remarks about how it’s so nice to have the asylum warden for dinner. _~~(If the FBI agent who lives with you picks up on it, panic and stab him.)~~_

**_And I would kill again to keep from doin’ time_ **

Rule 13:  
Do not call the FBI agent who lives with you ‘beloved’ or any other sort of pet name, because he will either stab you or uppercut you into the seventeenth dimension.

Rule 14:  
“I’m not dead, bitch” is not an appropriate response to “how are you?”.

Rule 15:  
Ensure your guests know that the meals are not vegetarian, but do not tell them the truth. They do not need to know - infact it sullies the dish if they do. (Like rule 1: lie. Always.)

**_You should never ever trust my kind_ **

Rule 16:  
Do not consistently and relentlessly bitch about that one time the FBI agent who lives with you threw both himself and you off a cliff, in the hopes of getting an apology - because he will accuse you of throwing a pity party.

Rule 17:  
Do not consistently and relentlessly make obscure references to people you’ve killed or eaten - and certainly do not joke about the FBI agent who lives with you being next.

Rule 18:  
Do not consistently and relentlessly brag about and take some kind of pride in being the FBI’s Most Wanted man (especially not in the presence of the FBI agent who lives with you).

**_I’m a wanted man_ **

Rule 19:  
Do not joke about the FBI agent who lives with you being your “liver-in roommate”.

Rule 20:  
Do not grin maniacally like the Joker when someone is rude to you _~~(for god’s sake it’s creepy.)~~_

Rule 21:  
Always make sure the organs are sterilised and cleaned, and the scene is also sterilised and cleaned. Blood is evidence, and leaving evidence is sloppy.

**_I got blood on my hands_ **

Rule 22:  
Do not look disgusted and start plotting the demise(s) of those who say your food isn’t very nice.

Rule 23:  
Do not hiss when in the presence of those who are church-goers.

Rule 24:  
Do not talk to the FBI agent who lives with you as if he is stupid, because the last time that happened, he called you a psychopath. _~~(While he is not exactly wrong, it still hurt :(()~~_

**_Do you understand?_ **

Rule 25:  
Remember, a ‘foot’ is a unit of measurement, not an appetiser. The same goes for ‘hands’.

Rule 26:  
Do not drug and / or fuck up any young girls you may adopt as surrogate daughters.

Rule 27:  
Put expiry dates on the organs in the fridge - do not feed people expired organs. _~~(Don’t feed people organs full stop, that’s gross.)~~_

**_I’m a wanted man_ **

Rule 28:  
Do not call people ‘pigs’, and then proceed to imitate a pig.

Rule 29:  
Do not psychoanalyse the FBI agent who lives with you. _~~(You are not his therapist.)~~_

Rule 30:  
Do not promise the FBI agent who lives with you that you are going to change, only to quite literally stab him in the back later.

**_If you ask me to change_ **

Rule 31:  
Do not taunt the police and / or the FBI agent who lives with you that they will never figure out your ‘secret’. _~~We all already know.~~_

Rule 32:  
Do not use your likely nonexistent PhD as an excuse to fuck up people you do not like.

Rule 33:  
Do not play the ignorance / confusion card when the FBI agent who lives with you questions you about the legitimacy of your PhD.

**_I don’t know if I can_ **

Rule 34:  
Do not stare longingly at the general areas of guests’ spleens, livers, kidneys, lungs, and hearts. You are not making meals out of the guests (although you are serving them their friends).

Rule 35:  
Do not try and kill the FBI agent who lives with you as a sign of affection.

Rule 36:  
Always make sure the FBI agent who lives with you knows you love him. _~~(Do not feed him people, however much you want to.)~~_

**_I’ll always be who I am_ **

Rule 37:  
If you are going to kill someone, make it quick and merciful. Do not hesitate or make it into a little game.

Rule 38:  
Do not joke about sleeping with the FBI agent who lives with you, because _~~we all know he’s only here so you don’t kill him~~_ that is crude and unwanted.

Rule 39:  
Do not suddenly run away in the middle of the night, yelling “oh god the pigs are after me”.

**_I’m a wanted man_ **

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this crackfest!
> 
> The song used was ‘I’m a Wanted Man’, by Royal Deluxe, and you can listen to it here:  
> [Royal Deluxe - I’m a Wanted Man](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YSAMOBVncSg)
> 
> I’m on Twitter, and I take fic commissions, DM me here:  
> \- [Helga Heason](https://twitter.com/HelgaHeason)
> 
> Help support my work by buying me a coffee here:  
> \- [Helga Heason Ko-Fi](https://ko-fi.com/helgaheason)


End file.
